Sexual Self-Control
Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self- control.
I once counseled a man who had committed the sin of adultery. His defense of the act was that his wife was cold in the romantic way and that drove him to seek what he "needed" from another women. He used the above verse as a "defense" of his sin. Plainly stated, that is not what this verse, or the verses around it, is teaching. Paul has just told them that it IS proper to deny intimacy between married couples for spiritual pursuits. His message in this passage is about the balance between marriage and serving God. Those single can pursue God with no fear of a partner's needs. Those married must worry about the needs of their partner. However, that does not exempt the married couple from fasting (giving up something) for the purpose of prayer and spiritual activities. BUT, Paul states, it ought to be only for a time, since God will allow Satan, in those times, to use the separation to tempt the desires of the flesh. In the narrative of the man who committed adultery, neither he, nor his wife were on any spiritual pursuit and neither were depriving the other of lawful sexual pleasures in the marriage bed. He simply wanted what he wanted and she simply didn't want anything. That story was not the context for Paul's instruction. I love what Matthew Henry states about this section in his commentary. It still carries the language and idioms of the 1700s and adds so much flavor to this passage:
Matthew Henry: Note, Seasons of deep humiliation require abstinence from lawful pleasures. But this separation between husband and wife must not be for a continuance, lest they expose themselves to Satan's temptations, by reason of their incontinence, or inability to contain. Note, Persons expose themselves to great danger by attempting to perform what is above their strength, and at the same time not bound upon them by any law of God. If they abstain from lawful enjoyments, they may be ensnared into unlawful ones. The remedies God hath provided against sinful inclinations are certainly best.
This passage is instructing us on how to pursue God and make sure we are Godly spiritual partners to our mates. God doesn't instruct us ANYWHERE in Scripture to take off from the responsibilities of the marriage-bond for spiritual things unless we first agree with our spouse of the pursuit and the purpose and, more importantly, when we return to the act of marraige. We do set ourselves up for temptation when we don't. The word above for self-control, is akrasia, in the Greek. The "a" is a negative and "krasia" is strength. So, the word used here means having no strength to stop the desire of the flesh. The Greeks, beginning with Socrates and Aristotle, had an entire system of thought about Akrasia. Much of our problems in life are because of akrasia, lack of power over self. That is the purpose of the gospel. Christ saves us and gives us the gift of the Spirit to have control over ourselves. Isn't it something that in pursuit of Christ within the context of marriage we can, if we fail with these instructions, allow Satan to attack us and through our akrasia fall into sin. These instructions are vital for spiritual development in our lives. They ought not to be used as an excuse and followed for spiritual well-being. Remember, “self-control” is a “fruit” of the Spirit of God. This is amazing when we put it in the context of this verse. The Godly married couple can set aside the marriage act for spiritual pursuits. Paul plainly teaches this. But, he states that during those spiritual pursuits, be careful that we don’t lose the spiritual fruit of “self-control.” His point I think is potent. If we do not do this according to his Word, we can, in our denying one thing God gave us as a gift (sexual activity with our spouse), lose out on another gift God gives us (self-control). Obedience in one creates obedience in the other. Disobedience in one (too much setting aside the gift of sexual intimacy) can create disobedience in the other (loss of self-control). See 2 Corinthians 10:3-6 for some further instruction and insight on this thought of obedience and disobedience.
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