1 Corinthians 15:9-10
For I am the least of the apostles, unworthy to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me.
Sometimes, in life, we don't feel adequate around others. We think less of ourselves than we ought to think. Maybe it is something from the past that causes us to feel less than worthy to be in the company of others. Maybe it is the false notions of others about us. They have a cognitive anchor in their minds about us and it was formed by false assumptions and false information. Never-the-less, they have it and it has formed an opinion of us, anchored in the cognitive recesses of the mind. No matter our present activity, we can't seem to get them to think different of us. Paul, in the above passage gives a similar quandary for himself. Paul, according to verse nine in the above passage, did not feel as though he was in the same circles as the other apostles. His statement, "I am the least of the apostles," probably carries little merit with us. We see him has the author of at least 13 of the New Testament books, if not one more (Hebrews). We see him as the main voice of Christianity in the first century. Our cognitive anchor, however, is not the same as the early church ... especially those in the region of Corinth. To them, Paul was a persecutor of the church who "may" or "may not" be serious in his faith. The early church was quite terrified of Paul since his original activity (that which would form their cognitive anchor) was the persecution of the church. Paul felt this view of himself and, as a result, he saw himself as less than the other apostles, despite the fact that he, too, had seen Christ. But (and we should thank God the word "but" is at the beginning of verse ten for each of us) Paul recognized that he was what he was "by the grace of God." Paul acknowledged that his path to Christ was less than he had hoped, but also recognized that his path to Christ was all that Christ had needed to work grace in his life. Paul was able to deal with his self-doubts, his own self-inflicted imprisonment for false crimes, his own self-injury with the fact that he was what he was because God's grace made him so!! What a blessed assurance we have in our lives when, after convicting ourselves of false-crimes or true crimes, we recognize that it was God's grace in our lives that made us what we are today. As a result of the grace, Paul goes on to say that through that grace he worked harder than any other to demonstrate the power of grace in his life. He DID NOT work harder than the other apostles to "prove them all wrong about his standing in the faith." This is something believers do all the time. Rather than living in grace they attempt to perform works in their own energy, hoping to prove to themselves and others thew worthiness of their salvation. Paul is clear in the above passage: His life was based upon God's grace AND his work was in that same grace. Note what he says to the Ephesian believers:
Ephesians 3:7-8
Of this gospel I was made a minister according to the gift of God's grace, which was given me by the working of his power. To me, though I am the very least of all the saints, this grace was given, to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ,
The truth is, we are all least deserving of God's grace. That is what makes it grace. Grace is God's unmerited favor bestowed upon us. We don't merit it. We don't earn it. We don't deserve it. That is what makes it grace. Paul was able to overcome his own feelings of self-doubt and lack of confidence by remembering and believing that God is the God of grace and when He sheds His grace into our lives we are now worthy to speak for Him and about Him.
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